THE GREAT WHITE BEAR

It has already been established that I am one of the worst procrastinators in the history of the world. And never has this been more evident than at Christmas time. First, let me tell you until very recently, I HAVE ALWAYS HATED CHRISTMAS! Hated almost everything about it, except Christmas dinner. First, I hate shopping. I believe that large crowds are wonderful at sporting events, and concerts, but should be avoided at all costs any where else. So shopping IN large crowds, forget it! And there is the pressure. Trying to find gifts that will be appreciated by jaundiced kids and a wife looking for new ways to be disappointed. Who in 19 years, never once appreciated a gift I got her (I guess I should be grateful, her father never found one in fifty years that pleased her mother). It always just made Christmas a very unpleasant task.

Also, I have ADD. If you know anything about it, you realize that it is almost impossible for ADD people to force themselves to do unpleasant tasks. So add up horrible procrastinator+ ADD+ Christmas hatred, and you can begin to imagine the ordeal that was Christmas shopping!

I am sure I am the only person in the world who has ever been the last person out of Sears on Christmas Eve three years in a row! While a lot of people go to the 24 hour Walgreen's to get a last minute gift or two, I am probably the only person in the country to ever do half his shopping at 11 p.m. Christmas Eve!

It got a bit better when I discovered Meijer! For those of you unfamiliar with Meijer, think of Super Walmart, only bigger, cleaner, with produce thats actually fresh, meat that actually looks edible, and cashiers with all their teeth who are occasionally even pleasant. For a long time, the nearest Meijer was 45 miles away in Benton Harbor. So I developed a Christmas ritual, On December 22 or 23, I would leave the house about 9 p.m., which would get me to Benton Harbor by 10. I'd get a cup of coffee and double cheeseburger at Steak and Shake just to fortify myself, and walk into Meijer at 11. I would shop until 4 or 5, write a check for approximately $1,000, and pack up the car. My theory was, if you couldn't find it at Meijer, you probably didn't need it anyway! I would then start wrapping gifts as soon as the kids went to bed on Christmas Eve. I became very adept at wrapping gifts, knowing that if I hurried, I could make it to the bar before last call. A couple of good strong drinks and a few beers, and I was able to relax enough to sleep a few hours before the kids woke up! This ritual of last minute shopping lasted over 30 years, till a couple of years ago. But I can tell you that I am now a reformed Christmas procrastinator. Not only am I done shopping at least a week before Christmas, I am actually beginning to ENJOY the holiday! What, you ask, could cause such a sudden change in a man (no, I didn't get religion)? Two things. Granddaughters and the internet.

The internet has to be the best thing that ever happened Christmas shopping! No longer do you have to fight traffic on your way to the mall. No more horn honking and bird flipping. No more tug of war with the 300 lb. sistah with the razor hair over the last copy of Madden 2003 available in the free world. No more arguing with sales clerks because the sale sign says the price is lower than the computer says it is. No more swallowing Rollaids and Prozac by the hands full.

Now, I sit down at the computer with a mug of Columbia Supremo and a six pack of Leinenkugel. I go to shopping.com and compare prices for all the items on my list. Sponge Bob Big Wheel for Sierra, found it. Click on it, it's mine. Barbie's Dreamhouse for Savannah, click on it, mine again. Movies, computer accessories, gift cards, toiletries... click, click, click click, mine, mine, mine, mine! Hey done shopping in one coffee and two beers, a new personal best!

The internet to me is what Marley's ghost was to Scrooge. It has given me back Christmas!