Friday, April 21, 2006

 

ONE MORE REASON IT'S BETTER BEING A GUY


planetmike.com
WARNING... GUY RANT AHEAD!

Another reason it is better to be a guy: Fatherhood. Let's face it. When your children grow up to be neurotic puddles of goo, who they gonna blame. Not you. Not dear old Dad who taught them how to fish and catch a football and bowl the ball down the middle of the lane. Who taught them the "pull my finger trick", and how to belch for maximum affect! Who let them sneak sips of beer when mom wasn't looking. Nope, when your kids grow up to be the bundles of neurosis they are destined to become, you can be assured one person will surely get the blame. MOTHER!

I have often wondered about this phenomenon. Let's face it ladies. From the second you grab your significant others bottom lip, and push that little bundle of joy into the hands of a doctor looking remarkably like Pudge Rodriguez positioned to dig a split fingered fastball outta the dirt, you begin the job of screwing up your kid's life. It'll take a couple of decades, but by the time your kids are out of college, they'll be every bit as neurotic and overwhelmed with guilt as you!

I have a couple of theories as to why this is:

Theory #1:
Women don't see the big pic. That's because they are too busy sweating the small stuff. There isn't any incident so small or insignificant that a woman can't (or won"t ) turn it into a crisis. Women hop from crisis to crisis like they are stepping stones across the river of life. And since no good mother would think of leaving their child alone on shore, they drag the kids from stepping stone to stepping stone along with them. Of course, eventually one of the little nose miners slips and fall in, and mother gets blamed for the trauma and humiliation of it all. Repeat this scenario a few dozen times, and your kids are ready to take their places in life as the neurotic piles of goo they were intended to be!

Theory #2: Women just don't know how to have fun! Of course, this isn't exactly true. Guys, you have probably all dated women who were tremendous fun. Women who were outgoing and funny. Who could match you drink for drink, dart for dart, shot for shot. Women who made no attempt to hide the fact they enjoyed sex, especially in dangerous places. Only one problem. No way in hell you could take a girl like that home to meet mom. So instead, you bring home someone prim and proper, with more hang ups than an elementary school cloak room. Someone just like mommy dearest! Of course, the sex is a bit mechanical, and disappears all together after the second or third kid. But you can console yourself with the fact that your sacrifice means your kids will grow up to be just as neurotic and pathetic as you! And when the day comes you suddenly remember all the fun girls, don't bother trying to look them up. They long ago discovered the other fun girls, and have no intention of ever hanging out with losers like you again!

At this point, you must be wondering what in the world inspired this rant. Well, here's the story.....

I stopped by the local coffee house this afternoon. The place makes wonderful cappuccinos and lattes, and the Columbia Supremo and Kenya AA coffees are as good as it gets. However, the decor leaves something to be desired. Best described as early teacher's lounge. Ever go in the teachers lounge when you were a kid? Every one was exactly the same. Furnished with heavy wooden tables and chairs like those in the library, only with a much darker finish. This was due to the ever present cloud of cigarette smoke that hung in the air. Smoke so thick, you could still see it when you returned from summer vacation. These tables had a unique, sweet smell to them, a combination of fifty years of cigarettes, spilled coffee, and overzealously applied Love's Baby Soft cologne, Old Spice, and Brut aftershave.

After I came back from my little trip down memory lane, I decided I needed something to read. The only reading material within reach turned out to be the local gay, lesbian , bisexual newspaper. In the hard news section, a headline caught my eye. GENE INHERITED FROM MOTHER STRONG INDICATOR OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE IN MEN. Think about it. Have you ever known a gay man who hasn't ended at least one argument by shouting through clenched teeth; "YOU'RE..... THE... REASON... I'M ... THE ... WAY... I... AM....., "MUH... THER! Well, now they have proof! Sigmund was right! "Ze muzzah, it's always ze muzzah!"
*********************************************************************

The STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS start tonight. The lovely Karen has been kind enough to offer to ease my poverty by the amount of two loonies when my Red Wings crush her Oilers!

I think the clear favorite in the east has to be New Jersey. Martin Brodeur is red hot, and the Devils are playing great D. My sleeper team comes out of the west. Look out for Nashville. This is a team with a lot of excellent two way players, and well above average speed. And they are riding the hottest goaltender in the league in Chris Mason. Nobody should touch Detroit in the West, but if somebody is going to, look for it to be the Preds.

My Predictions:

EAST
round 1
Ottawa over Tampa
Carolina over Montreal
New Jersey over NY Rangers
Philly over Buffalo

round 2
Philly over Ottawa
New Jersey over Carolina

round 3
New Jersey over Philly in 6

WEST
round 1
Detroit over Edmonton
Dallas over Colorado
Calgary over Anaheim
Nashville over San Jose

round 2
Detroit over Nashville
Calgary over Dallas

round 3
Detroit over Calgary in 6

STANLEY CUP FINALS
Detroit over New Jersey in 6


Comments:
I would love to be able to argue with you about all the points you made, but I can't. The only one that doesn't fit me is the "fun" one - I love to have fun with my son and I probably tease him too much for his liking. I like making light of situations he takes too seriously - like his first day of Jr High when he was so scared to go in, I played "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor and took him for a Starbucks. He was still scared, but he at least was laughing. But yeah, I would tend to say that I make mountains out of molehills, unfortunately. Honestly, the only way I could survive as a single parent was by having a sense of humor. I think we would have both been miserable otherwise.

By the way, the chick on Freud's face is nekkid but what's with those huge fur boots? I must get me some of those... :-P
 
In response to your response to my comment on the last post (huh?!) - My dear friend, the fact that we are two peas in a pod gives me hope for your future. LOL!

Well, if you ever come back down, let me know. I'll tour you on the Irish pubs around here, the best BBQ places and a great spot called the Gingerman - over 400 beers on tap there. :) THAT ought to put a smile on your face!

Have a happy weekend!
 
Well, I hardly know what to say about your rant, other than it my dad provided me with as many issues to deal with in adult life as my mother did. Pretty 50/50/.

Montreal all the way!
 
Ihope you all ralize thi spost was slightly tongue in cheek.

Notta - I am convinced a good sense of humor is the bet weapon a single parent can have.

Nic - 400 beers? I might never leave!

WC - sorry, Les Habitants are goin down in round one (it will be an upset if they aren't swept)
 
I think you're on crack :o)
 
You're right - the fun girls find each other. ;)
 
While I can't argue with the generalizations you've made, I do have to ask how much each one is due to socialization. Case in Point: "No way in hell you could take a girl like that home to meet mom. So instead, you bring home someone prim and proper, with more hang ups than an elementary school cloak room."

Says who? Why are outgoing "fun" women automatically assumed not to be "proper"? I think a lot of this also has to do with how women are constantly scrutinized - by men and other women. Are you too fat? Too aggressive? Too emotional?... it's tiring.

On the other hand, we were watching Dr. G: Medical Examiner (John likes those shows) and she said she sees 3x as many men who die from "stupid' accidents.. so I guess attention to detail does have its merits eh?

;)
 
karen - because of the rant, or the prediction yo Oilers are gonna get clobbered?

b4e - yeah (sigh)

laura - if we could only get mother to look at women with a less critical eye! And I would say to you... better to die of stupidity than boredom. Worst to die of both.
 
Women don't see the big picture? Ypu know it's been scientifically proven that that's men! They can't think beyond tomorrow, while women naturally plan for the future - something about men rushing out the cave to go hunting leaving the women behind to clean up the mess, gather enough food for the long winter, look after the kids, have spare clthing ready for when the idiot men came back bleeding & dirty, that kind of thing.....

i'd leave a link to the scientific article, but I'm too busy to go look for it:-)

Women don't know how to have fun? Oh wait, you answered that one. we do. Just because YOU were too scared to take the fun ones home to your neurotic mother, not all ment are that much under their mothers thumb;-) Aggie kept me around 7 i could always outdrink him. And out fun him in most ways really. he had a sheltered upbringing, what can I say?

And if you're a girl, all your sexual hangups are ypou're fathers fault - even according to Sigmund (who was a dick BTW), since every man is comapred to him (not much of a problem in my case).

i like Phillip larkin's take on things better:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself

Both parents to blame, and grandparents, and society as a whole.

lets just stop having kids.

or at least lets stop trying to pass on opur morals & ethics to them.

Oh. that's whats wrong with kids today though!
 
I'll side with Laura and Mrs. Aginoth, but sadly observe, GWB, that though your post may have been written tongue-in-somewhere, it does reflect the thinking of many.

Even in my own case, it took a while to realize that we as adults are responsible for our own thoughts, therapy/overcoming the handicaps we learned as children, rather than continuing to shoulder what we inherited/learned. I see both Bros passing on the mistakes and the diseases they inherited from Dad. I guess for them it's hard to admit that they need help. For me, if help's available, why on earth not use it? Why go on blaming (oops at this point Brid realizes she's ranting and breaks off)...sorry guys....
 
hmm, this post is likely to make me hang around and see if you're always this, um, opinionated! Guess I'll have to start reading archives and find out :-)
 
opinionated is my middle name!
 
Hey buddy, polish your quarters...series is tied 1-1.
 
I won't rub in anything about the Oilers. Really I won't. I'll just say "nyah nyah" in my head and be done with it, heh heh.
As for the rant - you're so right on so many levels that it's barely funny. But I think it's time for people to grow up, become equal-opportunity neurotics, and blame BOTH parents for all their problems! 'Cause if you're gonna take that cop-out, it's only right to blame your father for breeding with your mother in the first place, right?
 
Hmmm, fun girls find other fun girls, well, in my case, yes, got tired of the men. As for women being no fun, I used to be loads of fun until I found myself as a single mom with two small children, it tends to make you serious pretty quickly. As for screwing them up, like I always tell my kids, my only job is not to screw you up any worse than my mom screwed me up. Last I checked, my kids are much better off than I was at the same age, so I'm hoping that will hold. Oh, and perfect description of a teacher's lounge. Hope you're feeling better after that rant.
 
Thanks SME; I think? ;)
BTW, you're shaming your mother with this hockey talk. I thought I raised you better than that!

GWB, you're just jealous cuz women are better at multi-tasking than men. ;)
 
Karen - quarters? Oh, no, In the extremely unlikely event that the Wings drop 4 to the spOilers, you get two $ coins, a Susan B and a Sackegewia (?).

SME - That is so true. So maybe gay men are on to something?

I SO hope the Wings play the Flames next round.

VV - maybe sigmund was wrong, not ze mozzah, but ze childrens!

And I think I can safely say my kids at least aren't any more screwed up than I was. Course, they blame their mom anyhow.

tshsmom - SME is just being a good Minnesotan/Canuck. Good for her!

And what do you mean men can't multitask? I can make love, watch a hockey game, and work the STAR crossword all at the same time. I think that qualifies as multitasking!
 
p.s. the lady in your pic needs to ummm shave her rear.
 
Gay men are always on to something! :D
 
LMAO, that's a man's perfect description of multi-tasking! You win!
 
Brig - I was kinda thinkin she needs a bikini wax too!

SME - LOL

TSHS - ty!
 
That's because they are too busy sweating the small stuff. There isn't any incident so small or insignificant that a woman can't (or won't ) turn it into a crisis.

GWB, you're going to get me in trouble with the ladies by agreeing with you. No, not all mothers, but it's always mothers who make mountains out of molehills. It was mothers who wanted to ban my heavy metal music. Mothers who wanted to ban my videogames. Mothers who want to ban my guns. Mothers who dope up boys on psychiatric drugs because they think their kid doesn't pay attention in class enough (it's because school is !@#$%^& boring, Mom!). Mothers who got bike helmet laws passed. For the record, law or no law, I will never wear a bike helmet.

Sorry ladies. Still love you all. :)

But dang, while we're at it, do you know why women close their eyes during sex?

It's because they just can't stand to see men having a good time.

Ha ha!
 
ZS - I am creating a new acronym... LSHMAAFO.

LAUGHED SO HARD MY ASS ALMOST FELL OFF!
 
Kudos! Well said! Bravo! LSHMAAFO!

Been exactly there with the fun girl wife who spends you into oblivion and the neurotic wife who cuts you off after the second kid and both wonder why you are so stressed. I think it is drama transference, they are so freaked out they do something to you to transfer the load. You know as well as I do a shifting load while in motion weighs ten times as much and breaks an axel.
 
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