Friday, December 02, 2005
NEVER, EVER, GO TO THE LOCAL WALK IN CLINIC ON A SNOWY DAY
So I fill out my paperwork, hand it in, and the lady tells me that I can't leave the room or go outside until after my physical, because I can't pee in the cup until after the doctor examines me... and if I leave we have to start the whole process over tomorrow. Now this presents a problem! I have plans for Saturday, so I don't want to leave. On the other hand, I have taken an extra diuretic, just to make sure my blood pressure is acceptable. I already have to go. The lady says, "sorry, not unless you want to come back tomorrow. But it shouldn't be to long, as soon as we have an examination room open, we'll get you right in." Well, let me tell you....
The place has 5 examination rooms, and there were only 5 people in front of me. Unfortunately, all these people had fallen and injured themselves. Which meant that they had to go down to x-ray, have a picture taken of the injured appendage, then go back and wait for the x-ray to be developed, and read by the one already overworked physician on duty. So while I was next in line for a room, the rooms were all occupied and no one was going anywhere fast.
Two hours pass, and I am now feeling like the proverbial child who ate so many pickles, the juice ran down his leg. And the old lady with the scowl is keepin her eye on me. I am sure by this time my eyes were bulging and face turning red. Desperate times... then, A BREAK! A young woman comes in and tells her she is there to relieve her for lunch. Old scowly pants heads for the fridge and microwave and I make my move. While the two young office hands are gossiping, I sneak past the window and make a break for the restroom. Once inside, I do a fine imitation of Tom Hanks in A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN. About three minutes pass by the time I am done. I kinda sidle back down the hall. I peek around the corner. Office girls still gossiping, old scowly pants nowhere in sight. I nonchalantly walk back in and sit down. About 30 seconds later, OSP returns to her spot at the computer, none the wiser.
Two more hours pass when, suddenly, the door bursts open and out comes miss teenage carpenter, sans 2x4 but with a hard foam cast and crutches. Which means OPEN EXAM ROOM... YEAH!
So I go back and nurse checks my eyes, ears, bp, weight (lost another 10 lbs), heart rate. She then tells me the doctor will be in to see me soon. And I realize I have a new problem. I will soon have to pee in a cup. I spent all morning bitching about how bad I had to pee, and now I don't have to AT ALL! How suspicious is it going to look if I suddenly have a shy bladder? Fortunately, there is a sink in the room and little tiny shot glass sized Dixie cups. So now I am standing at the sink, throwing down shots of water like a sorority girl throws down tequila shooters. I hear voices in the hall, and manage to get seated just as the doctor opens the door. He listens to me breathe, listens to my heart, checks the ears and throat, fondles the boys, says cough, and just like that, I am out of there and headed to the lab. Just about the time the pretty lady hands me the cup and says fill it to the white line, I can feel the H2O shooters starting to kick in. Halleluyah, Saints be praised, he is fillin the cup to the white line! Before you can say "mareseatoatsanddoeseatoatsandlittlelambseativy" I am out the door. It is now 3:00. I've been there since just before 8. I have to be home and get my daughter to work by 3;45. And I have a new problem. I am starving!
In order to make sure my blood sugars were under control (don't want no surprises), I haven't eaten since 9:45 am Thursday. So, I make a brief side trip to Micky D's, get a double quarterpounder w/cheese, large fries, and large iced tea. Snarf it down on the way home. Still hungry. Remember that Shelley made brownies the night before. Arrive home, head straight for the kitchen. Snarf down a couple of large brownies like Harold and Kumar sucking down sliders. Take Shelley to work, feel that headache coming on. Realize that I am now about 100 oz of coffee behind schedule. Call my buddy Ron, head for the gag and heave. Kill a couple of cups of coffee, starting to feel better. Realize I am STILL hungry. Down an order of biscuits and gravy and American fries. Now I don't feel so hot. Go home. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, glug, glug, glug. Lay down. Sleep till Shelley is off work. Pick her up, stop at liquor store for a six pack of Old Milwaukee. Arrive home, pop a beer, start typing. Now on third beer, almost done typing!
And that, my friends, is why there is no HOCKEY FRIDAY this Friday!
Now cooking at THE CHURCH POTLUCK: Roast Brisket of Beef
All that food you ate made me feel a bit sick just reading it. I'll bet that gave your blood sugar and cholesterol levels a run for their money.
Funny story though. Glad you made it...
Congrats on the weight loss!
tshsmom - I probably gained back all that 10 lbs last night!
I've sooooo been there on the hurry up and wait list. Including the gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, ahh sweet relief, need to pee in cup, can't pee scenario.
Ain't life grand?
I've done the peeing in a cup thing, too, and the ultrasound of uterus.
I had to do a stool sample in a public washroom once, and that was really fun, too.
Congrats on the weight loss, but as you said, the make-up eating you did might set you back a bit!