Friday, December 02, 2005
NEVER, EVER, GO TO THE LOCAL WALK IN CLINIC ON A SNOWY DAY
HOCKEY FRIDAY will be delayed because I spent my whole damn day off at the local walk in clinic. Unfortunately, my DOT physical is due. So, thinking that I'd get there before the clinic opened at 8, I made sure I was up and showered early. I arrived only to find they open at seven. As I was getting out of my car, a thirty something woman was leaning on her teenage son, limping badly. Then a car pulled up and two teenage boys jumped out and opened the back door. A moment later, they were carrying a young woman, one on each side of her, into the office. She had a splint on her leg made of a 2x4 and duct tape. I found out later she was in a carpentry class at school and had fallen on the site where the kids were building a house. A couple of creative boy scouts had administered the first aid and drove her to MedPoint. Anyhow, when we got inside, there were only 5 people ahead of me, so I thought, how long could this take?
So I fill out my paperwork, hand it in, and the lady tells me that I can't leave the room or go outside until after my physical, because I can't pee in the cup until after the doctor examines me... and if I leave we have to start the whole process over tomorrow. Now this presents a problem! I have plans for Saturday, so I don't want to leave. On the other hand, I have taken an extra diuretic, just to make sure my blood pressure is acceptable. I already have to go. The lady says, "sorry, not unless you want to come back tomorrow. But it shouldn't be to long, as soon as we have an examination room open, we'll get you right in." Well, let me tell you....
The place has 5 examination rooms, and there were only 5 people in front of me. Unfortunately, all these people had fallen and injured themselves. Which meant that they had to go down to x-ray, have a picture taken of the injured appendage, then go back and wait for the x-ray to be developed, and read by the one already overworked physician on duty. So while I was next in line for a room, the rooms were all occupied and no one was going anywhere fast.
Two hours pass, and I am now feeling like the proverbial child who ate so many pickles, the juice ran down his leg. And the old lady with the scowl is keepin her eye on me. I am sure by this time my eyes were bulging and face turning red. Desperate times... then, A BREAK! A young woman comes in and tells her she is there to relieve her for lunch. Old scowly pants heads for the fridge and microwave and I make my move. While the two young office hands are gossiping, I sneak past the window and make a break for the restroom. Once inside, I do a fine imitation of Tom Hanks in A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN. About three minutes pass by the time I am done. I kinda sidle back down the hall. I peek around the corner. Office girls still gossiping, old scowly pants nowhere in sight. I nonchalantly walk back in and sit down. About 30 seconds later, OSP returns to her spot at the computer, none the wiser.
Two more hours pass when, suddenly, the door bursts open and out comes miss teenage carpenter, sans 2x4 but with a hard foam cast and crutches. Which means OPEN EXAM ROOM... YEAH!
So I go back and nurse checks my eyes, ears, bp, weight (lost another 10 lbs), heart rate. She then tells me the doctor will be in to see me soon. And I realize I have a new problem. I will soon have to pee in a cup. I spent all morning bitching about how bad I had to pee, and now I don't have to AT ALL! How suspicious is it going to look if I suddenly have a shy bladder? Fortunately, there is a sink in the room and little tiny shot glass sized Dixie cups. So now I am standing at the sink, throwing down shots of water like a sorority girl throws down tequila shooters. I hear voices in the hall, and manage to get seated just as the doctor opens the door. He listens to me breathe, listens to my heart, checks the ears and throat, fondles the boys, says cough, and just like that, I am out of there and headed to the lab. Just about the time the pretty lady hands me the cup and says fill it to the white line, I can feel the H2O shooters starting to kick in. Halleluyah, Saints be praised, he is fillin the cup to the white line! Before you can say "mareseatoatsanddoeseatoatsandlittlelambseativy" I am out the door. It is now 3:00. I've been there since just before 8. I have to be home and get my daughter to work by 3;45. And I have a new problem. I am starving!
In order to make sure my blood sugars were under control (don't want no surprises), I haven't eaten since 9:45 am Thursday. So, I make a brief side trip to Micky D's, get a double quarterpounder w/cheese, large fries, and large iced tea. Snarf it down on the way home. Still hungry. Remember that Shelley made brownies the night before. Arrive home, head straight for the kitchen. Snarf down a couple of large brownies like Harold and Kumar sucking down sliders. Take Shelley to work, feel that headache coming on. Realize that I am now about 100 oz of coffee behind schedule. Call my buddy Ron, head for the gag and heave. Kill a couple of cups of coffee, starting to feel better. Realize I am STILL hungry. Down an order of biscuits and gravy and American fries. Now I don't feel so hot. Go home. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, glug, glug, glug. Lay down. Sleep till Shelley is off work. Pick her up, stop at liquor store for a six pack of Old Milwaukee. Arrive home, pop a beer, start typing. Now on third beer, almost done typing!
And that, my friends, is why there is no HOCKEY FRIDAY this Friday!
Now cooking at THE CHURCH POTLUCK: Roast Brisket of Beef
So I fill out my paperwork, hand it in, and the lady tells me that I can't leave the room or go outside until after my physical, because I can't pee in the cup until after the doctor examines me... and if I leave we have to start the whole process over tomorrow. Now this presents a problem! I have plans for Saturday, so I don't want to leave. On the other hand, I have taken an extra diuretic, just to make sure my blood pressure is acceptable. I already have to go. The lady says, "sorry, not unless you want to come back tomorrow. But it shouldn't be to long, as soon as we have an examination room open, we'll get you right in." Well, let me tell you....
The place has 5 examination rooms, and there were only 5 people in front of me. Unfortunately, all these people had fallen and injured themselves. Which meant that they had to go down to x-ray, have a picture taken of the injured appendage, then go back and wait for the x-ray to be developed, and read by the one already overworked physician on duty. So while I was next in line for a room, the rooms were all occupied and no one was going anywhere fast.
Two hours pass, and I am now feeling like the proverbial child who ate so many pickles, the juice ran down his leg. And the old lady with the scowl is keepin her eye on me. I am sure by this time my eyes were bulging and face turning red. Desperate times... then, A BREAK! A young woman comes in and tells her she is there to relieve her for lunch. Old scowly pants heads for the fridge and microwave and I make my move. While the two young office hands are gossiping, I sneak past the window and make a break for the restroom. Once inside, I do a fine imitation of Tom Hanks in A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN. About three minutes pass by the time I am done. I kinda sidle back down the hall. I peek around the corner. Office girls still gossiping, old scowly pants nowhere in sight. I nonchalantly walk back in and sit down. About 30 seconds later, OSP returns to her spot at the computer, none the wiser.
Two more hours pass when, suddenly, the door bursts open and out comes miss teenage carpenter, sans 2x4 but with a hard foam cast and crutches. Which means OPEN EXAM ROOM... YEAH!
So I go back and nurse checks my eyes, ears, bp, weight (lost another 10 lbs), heart rate. She then tells me the doctor will be in to see me soon. And I realize I have a new problem. I will soon have to pee in a cup. I spent all morning bitching about how bad I had to pee, and now I don't have to AT ALL! How suspicious is it going to look if I suddenly have a shy bladder? Fortunately, there is a sink in the room and little tiny shot glass sized Dixie cups. So now I am standing at the sink, throwing down shots of water like a sorority girl throws down tequila shooters. I hear voices in the hall, and manage to get seated just as the doctor opens the door. He listens to me breathe, listens to my heart, checks the ears and throat, fondles the boys, says cough, and just like that, I am out of there and headed to the lab. Just about the time the pretty lady hands me the cup and says fill it to the white line, I can feel the H2O shooters starting to kick in. Halleluyah, Saints be praised, he is fillin the cup to the white line! Before you can say "mareseatoatsanddoeseatoatsandlittlelambseativy" I am out the door. It is now 3:00. I've been there since just before 8. I have to be home and get my daughter to work by 3;45. And I have a new problem. I am starving!
In order to make sure my blood sugars were under control (don't want no surprises), I haven't eaten since 9:45 am Thursday. So, I make a brief side trip to Micky D's, get a double quarterpounder w/cheese, large fries, and large iced tea. Snarf it down on the way home. Still hungry. Remember that Shelley made brownies the night before. Arrive home, head straight for the kitchen. Snarf down a couple of large brownies like Harold and Kumar sucking down sliders. Take Shelley to work, feel that headache coming on. Realize that I am now about 100 oz of coffee behind schedule. Call my buddy Ron, head for the gag and heave. Kill a couple of cups of coffee, starting to feel better. Realize I am STILL hungry. Down an order of biscuits and gravy and American fries. Now I don't feel so hot. Go home. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, glug, glug, glug. Lay down. Sleep till Shelley is off work. Pick her up, stop at liquor store for a six pack of Old Milwaukee. Arrive home, pop a beer, start typing. Now on third beer, almost done typing!
And that, my friends, is why there is no HOCKEY FRIDAY this Friday!
Now cooking at THE CHURCH POTLUCK: Roast Brisket of Beef
Comments:
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Man, I can't stand to not be able to go to the bathroom when I have to. Of course, I can practically pee on demand so just LET ME GO people. :-)
All that food you ate made me feel a bit sick just reading it. I'll bet that gave your blood sugar and cholesterol levels a run for their money.
All that food you ate made me feel a bit sick just reading it. I'll bet that gave your blood sugar and cholesterol levels a run for their money.
Jesus... that's funny. I once had to go in for an ultrasound (they thought I might have fibroids - which I didn't thank god) and you have to have a full bladder. So I drank everything in site that morning, only for them to be running late. So I had to hold it for an hour, by that time I was "too full"... so she made me go pee - but I couldn't totally empty either... Imagine peeing, measuring out two little cups, then having to hold the rest in...
Funny story though. Glad you made it...
Funny story though. Glad you made it...
You're just lucky MORE emergency cases didn't come in. They would have bumped you back again.
Congrats on the weight loss!
Congrats on the weight loss!
laura - I can't imagine, because once I started there was NO stopping!
tshsmom - I probably gained back all that 10 lbs last night!
tshsmom - I probably gained back all that 10 lbs last night!
Good grief you ate more in one hour than I do all day! I'll bet your skinny to boot!
I've sooooo been there on the hurry up and wait list. Including the gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, ahh sweet relief, need to pee in cup, can't pee scenario.
Ain't life grand?
I've sooooo been there on the hurry up and wait list. Including the gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, ahh sweet relief, need to pee in cup, can't pee scenario.
Ain't life grand?
Try trying to get a GYN exam at a clinic. Pain in the ass. Literally. I'll never recount that story, but let's just say I've been there. Hope you're feeling better.
Great story, GWB!
I've done the peeing in a cup thing, too, and the ultrasound of uterus.
I had to do a stool sample in a public washroom once, and that was really fun, too.
Congrats on the weight loss, but as you said, the make-up eating you did might set you back a bit!
I've done the peeing in a cup thing, too, and the ultrasound of uterus.
I had to do a stool sample in a public washroom once, and that was really fun, too.
Congrats on the weight loss, but as you said, the make-up eating you did might set you back a bit!
Oh my gosh. I'm totally reminded of the time my daughter cut her finger clearing the dinner table (she dropped a soup bowl and then fell on it). We were in the walk-in clinic from 6pm until 10:30pm. I can't even begin to tell you how bad that situation was for my blood pressure.
Boy howdy! Haven't we all been in both the wait to pee and wait to be seen scenarios! Glad everything worked out for you. Now I just have one question. How did you lose 10 pounds if you're eating that day is any indication of your regular eating habits? ;-)
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