THE GREAT WHITE BEAR

Paying off journalists to push his programs turned out to be messy. Producing fake news broadcasts turned out to be illegal. And we all know what happened when they hired a male prostitute to play White House reporter and lob Dubya softball questions. And even though most people believe they have their own t.v. network, apparently they aren't happy sharing with Rupert. So, coming soon to cable and satellite networks everywhere.....RUMSFELD TELEVISION!

THAT'S RIGHT, the Dept. of Defense is starting it's own cable network! THE PENTAGON CHANNEL, already available on several cable outlets, including Time/Warner, will soon become available to all 11 million Dish Network subscribers. The network will broadcast a "broad range of military news, lifestyle, and issues oriented programing, along with live coverage of news conferences and speeches given my military and DoD muckety mucks. Still, Arianna Huffington thinks they might have trouble filling all that air time, so she has some programming suggestions:

-- "The Real World: Fallujah." What happens when a group of former Abu Ghraib guards, forced to share a bombed-out, camera-filled apartment in Fallujah with a collection of their former prisoners, stop being polite?

-- "Pimp My Humvee." Xzibit, Mad Mike, Big Dane and the "Pimp My Ride" crew lend a helping hand to American soldiers forced to scrounge through junk yards in an effort to outfit their vehicles with the armor the military has failed to provide--hooking our troops up with protective plates, as well as slammin' paint jobs, state-of-the-art sound systems, and spinning tire rims able to detect the roadside explosives responsible for so many U.S. casualties. The Humvees go from wimp to pimp while the soldiers go from sitting ducks to Mac Daddies.

-- "Desperate Military Housewives." There may be a lot of dark secrets on Wisteria Lane--but not half as many as there are in the homes of America's military families. "DMH" peels the curtain back on the home-front havoc being caused by President Bush's stop-loss policies and the extended tours of duty that result. Don't miss the very special episode where the president promises to "support our troops," then proposes a budget that slashes veterans' benefits and leaves one in five military families needing food stamps or Women, Infants and Children program aid to get by. Is it drama? Is it comedy? We produce. You decide.

-- "Iron Chef, Iraq." It's military cooking on an unlimited budget! Watch as the master chefs at Halliburton show what kind of battlefield-mess-hall-magic they can create with a noncompetitive, no-bid, cost-plus contract that allows them to overbill the Pentagon $186 million for meals that were never served. Who needs fast food when you can feed the troops phantom food? Sponsored by (who else?): "Halliburton, proud to serve our troops . . . and even prouder of the money we rake in by not serving them!"

-- "Survivor: Pentagon." Forget Africa, the South Pacific and the Australian Outback. This classic reality show really gets interesting when Donald Rumsfeld is cast adrift in the halls of the Pentagon with a tribe made up of people he has clashed with and helped push out the door, including former Secretary of State Colin Powell, former Secretary of the Army Thomas White, former Army Chief of Staff Eric Shinseki, former Secretary of the Air Force James Roche, and former head of the Iraqi Occupation, Jay Garner. Outwit. Outplay. Outlast. Out on your ass.

Arianna Huffington is one of my favorite columnists! She is smart, well informed, and has a great, caustic wit!

Josh Marshall at Talking Points Memo has taken to referring to George Bush's traveling Social Security road show Bamboozlepalooza. Now it appears a new act is about to join the tour, nine-year-old Noah McCullough of Tonight Show presidential trivia fame !

Does anyone else feel a bit uncomfortable knowing this administration thinks so little of us it believes we can be swayed by the likes of an elementary school child?

GREAT PIC

This situation sound familiar? You're having a pleasant luncheon conversation with a very attractive (can you say cleavage?) coworker! Then you hear it, the dreaded cell phone. Next thing you know the guy at the table next to you is screaming about how come his bushel of bushwhackers hasn't arrived, and about all the angry customers he has because they can't whack their bushes because the bushel of bushwhackers hasn't arrived, and how if these people's bushes get any bigger people will be whacking each other in the bushes, blah,blah,blah. Obviously, any mood you may have striven to create is long gone, as well as the opportunity to ask Ms. Cleavage over for a gourmet dinner complimented by copious amounts of wine. All because some ill mannered lout couldn't turn off his cell phone for a half hour.

Well friend, never allow the ambiance of a romantic luncheon be spoiled again. Try our newest product, and avoid those tv dinners consumed alone!

IT WAS SO EXCITING! More so than trying to make the blonde at the end of the bar. Well, maybe not the 38D blonde, but, exciting as hell anyhow! I WON MY FIRST AUCTON ON EBAY!

I was searching for hockey tickets to a Michigan home game. Never been to Yost Arena, there's a three year wait for tickets. On a whim, I decided to search eBay. There they were...4 tickets to the final home game, against a very good Bowling Green U. team. Only one bid! So I bid two bucks more. I check back about a half hour later, he's upped my bid by a dollar. I see his dollar and raise him two. I check back a couple of more times that evening......NO NEW BIDS! I'M PUMPED!

I call #1 son and tell him what I've done. He bursts my bubble. He says "dad, he's gonna ambush you! He's gonna wait till the very last minute to put in a bid and hope you will already assume you've won. You've gotta be ready for him!"

I check the computer several times that night. Finally at 9 p.m., I check one more time. No new bids. 22 1/2 hours left! I get off work the next night at seven, call my daughter and tell her to "get her ass off the computer", and race home like a mad man. Get online, log in! 15 minutes left. Still high bidder! Refresh screen every thirty seconds. 3 minutes, still high bid. Refreshing screen every 15 seconds. 1:45 left, THERE IT IS! He's upped my bid by a dollar. I wait till countdown hits one minute, and place my final bid. I refresh screen, bid hasn't posted! I refresh again, STILL hasn't posted! TEN SECONDS LEFT! EUREKA! My bid posts! The boys and I are goin' to Ann Arbor on March 6! I haven't been this excited since, well, I scored with the 38D blonde at the end of the bar!

I have a friend who warned me once that ebay is addicting. I think she's right! My next searches; FROZEN FOUR tics, and WILCO tics!

Author says this is "cooler than a Jimi Hendrix poster!" I agree! AMAZING PSYCHEDELIC MOUSE!

Okay, at the risk of gaining a reputation as a grumpy old man, I've gotta rant. Sometimes it's the little things in life that just bug the hell out of you. Do any of these things irritate you? Or am I REALLY turning into an irascible geezer?

1. Nothing says "I'm a redneck with a 6th grade education" better than a picture in your rear window of a little boy pissing on something. Now what makes anybody think thats funny, or cute? Says to me, "I uz brought up without proper training, and I'm proud of it"!

2. Close behind this is the sign that says "bad ass boyz drive bad ass toyz." Usually a 4 wheel drive pick up driven by some little guy with a spare tire of his own who couldn't whip the local girl scout arm rasslin champion! Got a news flash for you Billy Bob. A four wheel drive Ford is not a bad ass toy. A Masserati or a Ferrari is a bad ass toy, and you'd shit your drawer's the first time you let out on the clutch of one!

3. Nothing pisses me off more than the bumper sticker that says "my kid beat up your honor student"! Like raising a thug is something to be proud of! Here's my hope; that honor student grows up to be a district attorney or judge with a VERY long memory!

4. Note to all of you living south of the Ohio River. Elvis Presley and Dale Earnhart Sr. have one thing in common with Jesus. They are dead. What they don't have in common; no matter how much you wish and pray, they are not rising from the dead. MOVE ON ALREADY!

There! I feel MUCH BETTER, thank you!

check this out

# posted by greatwhitebear @ 2/20/2005 08:09:00 AM 1 comments

Saw my 5th ranked Michigan Wolverines pummel Notre Dame 9-2 Friday night. While enjoyable, it really wasn't much of a game after the first few minutes.

What was amazing was the venue. Because Michigan travels so many fans, and Notre Dame's arena is so small (under 5,000 capacity), the game was moved to War Memorial Coliseum in Ft. Wayne, home of the UHL Komets. I had not been to the Coliseum in about 25 years, and wow, has it changed!

Talk about a remarkable makeover. They have added 2,000 new seats, raising the capacity to over 10,000. To accomplish this, they literally raised the roof and added a new level, complete with luxury boxes and suites. Gone are the obstructed view seats. No posts to be found anywhere. All the seats are new and comfortably wide, actually roomier than those at The Joe or the United Center.

You enter and exit through a large glass atrium complete with escalators (no more damn stairs to climb!). Very similar to the Palace of Auburn Hills. There is some irony here, since the Coliseum was originally built to house the Pistons, who showed their gratitude by moving to Detroit two years later.

All in all, it was a terrific experience. This has to be one of the best venues in minor league hockey. Hopefully, ND will be smart enough to make this a yearly venture!

Discovered this unique opportunity thanks to Iddybud (see links on left). You too can have a fascinating new career!

CAREERS

# posted by greatwhitebear @ 2/19/2005 12:55:00 PM 1 comments

weasel awards

okay, I've figured out a half assed way to create links. Now, can anybody tell me how to get rid of these damn black dots?

# posted by greatwhitebear @ 2/19/2005 10:39:00 AM 5 comments

According to H.L. Mencken:

FUNDAMENTALISM: "a terrible, pervasive fear that somebody, somewhere, is having fun!"

This definition appears to work with virtually any religion. Just put the religion du jour in front of the word Fundamentalist i.e:
Islamic Fundamentalist
Christian Fundamentalist
Jewish Fundamentalist
Hindu Fundamentalist
See! Adding any religion immediately takes the fun out of fundamentalist. So one can only conclude:

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE FUN, AVOID FUNDAMENTALISTS!

I admit it, I have become addicted to blog surfing. I am wasting way too much time doing this! However, I came across a couple of really funny blogs today:

Jesus' General ....this is a hilarious satirical look at christian right. www.patriotboy.blogspot.com
The Big O.... send up of Bill O'Reilley! www.onairwarrior.blogspot.com

View the 2004 Weasel Awards at www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/shop/html/weasel_poll_results.html (one of these days I'll learn to do hyperinks. In the meantime, copy and paste!)

These are the answers to the quiz on BLONDESENSE (beauty, brains, boobs):

1. The minimum wage in 1968 was $1.60. Had it kept pace with inflation, it would be $8.70 today!

2. In 1965, the average CEO in America made 24 times more than the average worker. Today he makes 185 times more.

3. In only 4 of the nations 3,066 counties can a full time worker earning the minimum wage afford a one bedroom apt. and utilities (based on the 30% rule)

4. The typical US worker must make $15.75 if they dedicate 30% of their income to housing.

5. Thirty million American earn wages below the poverty level of $8.20 per hour.

6. The total population of Alabama, Arkansas, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Minnesota, Mississippi, Nebraska, North Dakota, Oregon, South Dakota and Tennessee is equal to the number of people living below the official poverty line in the US.

7. Add the populations of Delaware, Hawaii, Montana, New Hampshire, New Mexico, Rhode Island, Vermont, and West Virginia to get to 125% of the poverty line.

8. In 2001, the average financial wealth for black householders was about 12% of the average for white households.

9. The median financial wealth for blacks was $1,100, less than 3% of the corresponding figure for whites.

10. Over the entire 28 year history of the Berlin Wall, 287 people perished trying to cross it. In the ten years since the Clinton administration implemented the current U.S. border strategy with Mexico, more than 2,500 people have died trying to cross.

11. The US ranks #1 in percentage of citizens incarcerated, with over 700 inmates per 100,000 population. #2 is Russia with 585 per 100,000.

12. In 2004, the US military budget was 399 BILLION dollars. Thats $12,000 a SECOND!

13. In 2003, the US military budget was more than 8 times larger than the second largest spender (China)!

14. The US military budget was more than 29 times as large as the combined spending of the seven "rogue" states (Cuba, Iran, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Sudan and Syria). Even if you add China and Russia's military spending to that of the seven potential enemies, all nine nations together spent $116.2 billion, 27% of the U.S. military budget. The US military budget is more than the combined spending of the next twenty three nations.

15. The difference in income per head between the richest nation and the poorest nation in 1750 was about 5 to 1. Today the difference between the richest nation, Switzerland, and the poorest nation, Mozambique, is about 400 to 1.

16. Of the 6.2 billion people in the world today, 1.2 billion live on less than $1 per day, 2.8 billion live on less than $2 per day.

17. The richest 1% in the world receive as much income as the poorest 57%.

18. In 2003, the US increased official development assistance to poor countries by one-fifth. Where does the US contribution rank in the top 22 countries in proportion to our economy? Last.

19. Americans on average give 15 cents per day in government assistance to poor countries.

20. Americans spend on average 60 cents on soft drinks each day.

Makes one think, eh?

Came across this on mister anchovy's blog. How does he find these things?

FASCISM ANYONE? The Fourteen Points Common To All Fascist Regimes.

http://www.oldamericancentury.org/14pts.htm

I STRONGLY RECOMMEND THIS ONE!

I haven't been to Toronto in many years. Too bad too, because it is a great city! Good music scene, lots to do! Very friendly people. But there is another reason I want visit. I want to meet Mister Anchovy and buy him a beer or two or three! Or ten!

I love Mister Anchovy's blog. It is an eclectic mix of music, art, politics, and the offbeat. He is obviously a man for all seasons! With a slightly off beat sense of humor!

Anyhow, as much free entertainment as I have gotten from reading his blog, it seems I should at least spring for dinner for him and missus A. How bout it Mister A?

Hockey is in trouble in the US. Not because of the lockout. Not because of the canceled season. These are just symptoms. Hockey is in trouble because it is run by the stupidest people in sports. Men who have consistently ignored the wishes of the game's fans. We told them we wanted a more wide open game. We told them we wanted more scoring. That we wanted the rules enforced. So what did we get? Three Stanley Cups for the clutching, grabbing, neutral zone trapping, couldn't outscore a midget team at Score-O, boring to the point of tears New Jersey f...ing Devils.

That's right, NHL hockey has become boring. There are basically three teams that play an exciting form of hockey. Detroit, Tampa Bay, and Colorado. Calgary is semi-exciting. The rest of the teams in the NHL have one thing in common...BORING!

Now the owner's seem to think that we will come in droves to watch replacement players this fall. Guess again, dumbasses!
The vast majority of hockey fans live within an easy drive of several minor league and/or college teams. For example, I live within an easy drive of 2 AHL teams, 2 UHL teams, and 10 blocks from a CCHA team. What in the world makes Gary Bettman and Bill Wirtz think I am gonna pay major league prices to watch minor league players? When it is more convenient for me to go pay minor league price's for the same quality.

The most unfortunate thing about the coming salary cap is that it guarantees we will lose many of the games biggest stars. Many of the elite Russian and Swedish teams already are reported have bigger payrolls than the 42 million dollar proposed cap. A couple of years ago, the Red Wings lost defenseman Dmitri Bykov to a Russian team willing to double his 1.5 million dollar salary. You can now be almost certain that young stars like Pavel Datsuk, Henrik Zetterberg, and established ones like Nicklas Lidstrom will play in Europe for more money. And many established American and Canadian players may well opt for the bigger money offered by the European elite teams. Sidney Crosby playing for Moscow Dynamo? Stranger things have happened.

So here's hoping the North American elite teams, those with big enough fan bases to support big league hockey, withdraw their franchises from the moribund NHL and form a new league of their own. A league with exciting big name players. A wide open game that showcases them. Referees that protect the stars by enforcing the rules. Sixteen teams MAX. The cities with large enough fan bases:

1. TORONTO
2. MONTREAL
3. VANCOUVER
4. NEW YORK
5. BOSTON
6. PHILADELPHIA
7. DETROIT
8. CHICAGO
9. ST LOUIS
10. MINNEAPOLIS
11. DENVER
12. DALLAS
13. SAN JOSE
14. COLUMBUS
15. NEWARK NJ
16. LOS ANGELES

It is time to resuscitate North American hockey. Hopefully, the leagues two most powerful franchises (fan base wise}, Detroit and Toronto, will lead the way. Where the Wings and Leafs go, others will surely follow! And oh yeah...

Gary Bettman, EAT MY SHORTS!

the things people react to on your blog. The other day I wrote this rambling blog about my week. Included was a a bit about the rapid melting of the South American glaciers, and the climate ramifications thereof. It ended with a hot financial tip to buy Michigan real estate, it's the next Florida. I thought sure this would elicit commentary. But instead, I inspired a debate on the merits of Tim Horton's vs. Krispy Kreme. And just for the record, while TH makes fine doughnuts, I don't go there for them. I go there for the tarts. Both the ones in the display case (butter, raisin, pecan), and the ones behind the counter. One in particular.

She used to work at the Horton's on Huron St. and Cass Lk. Rd. in Pontiac. She was a young woman of color, tall, big brown eyes, mocha skin, ample cleavage, and legs like Ann Miller or Juliette Prowse. But most importantly, she had THE SMILE! You know, the one that melts hearts faster than a microwave melts butter. When you came in to the store, she instantly made you feel important.

She was a student at Oakland University, and I'm sure she has moved on to breaking the hearts of young men in the working world. But every time I go past a Horton's, I can't help but smile.

Oh, by the way, the tarts at M-59 and Williams Lk. Rd. are excellent too!

This was from my eighteen year old daughter. And yes, I cried!

Dear Dad,

I love you! I know I don't say it enough and I am sorry. I love you so much. More than I know how to explain but I'll try...

You often say that you aren't as great a man as Grandpa was but I think you are wrong. I didn't really know Grandpa but I always felt his love and specialty. I think you inherited his good traits and added some good trait of your own. YOU proved that you can improve perfection.

You mean so much to me. I really don't see how I could ever live my life without you. Your my father, my mother, my guide , best friend, and so much more. More importantly you are all these things at the right times.

I have often been asked, like most people, who my hero is. Usually people answer someone famous, a super hero, artist, etc., but I don't. I have only a few heros and you have always been number one on my list.

I know it is wrong to pick favorites but you make it so hard. Even the people I do love as equally I love in a different way. I don't know how to explain it. I wish I could but I can't. I can't explain something so deep and filled with so many different emotions.

I read in a magazine once that part of woman's problems in relationships is that we measure guys up to one special man. Again You make this so damn hard not to do. I know I will never find a guy 1/2 the man you are. I wont even bother expecting them to be as great as You. Than again I feel like if I don't try then I am settling for less because you proved that great men do exist. You spoiled me with love and soul.

I am sorry I don't tell you I love you everyday. I am also sorry that I don't say these things to you more often. I always feel them though no matter what. I give you a hard time a lot when you don't deserve it. If i ever hurt you I apologize. You have never let me down or disappointed me.

I don't know what made me think this really...
I think I always blamed teenage hormones and Christine's being a bitch for my unhappiness as a young teenager. As I reflect on the past and old feelings I have come realize now that that wasn't really the problem. The problem was Christine had a special part of your heart and a lot of your time. Something I didn't want to share. The few years of unhappiness were because of me selfishly wanting you all to myself. I think Sean and Steven feel the same way. That is way they never gave any of your dates a chance.

I also think it is why I don't hold grudges against the whole Christine thing. I have forgotten most of the hurtful things she has said because it doesn't really matter. She messed up. Her loss, my blessing. I got ALL of my daddy back!!

I guess what made me realize all this is that now even when I am having trouble, feeling lost, and confused I am never unhappy... because I have you! Just seeing your face reassures me and eases any pain I feel. You are my happiness!

In simpler words I guess what I am trying to say is this...

I don't deny feeling a little lonely especially around Valentines Day, but in the end I am glad and thankful that YOU are my Valentine. I LOVE YOU!!!

Always Yours,
Michelle ( Shelley) Rene' Spurrier

Bill Gallagher is an interesting guy. He's a tv reporter for WJBK, channel 2 (Fox), in Detroit. He is also a former city councilman in Niagara Falls, NY, and writes a weekly column for the NIAGARA FALLS REPORTER. His writing is often hilarious, usually pointed, always insightful, and considering he works for a Fox network affiliate, very daring. I can't believe the network of Bill (why don't you record me sexually harassing you) O'Lielly and Sean Hannady hasn't pressured WJBK to get rid of him. Unless, of course, they're afraid he'll go over to WXYZ and improve their ratings. He definitely has cajones!

Anyhow, view his latest column, ANOTHER WACKY WEEK IN BUSHWORLD, at: www.niagarafallsreporter.com/ Be sure to look back in the archives at some of his previous columns too!

Also, check out the hilarious "Schoolhouse Rock" cover on this weeks paper.

So.... you heard about the pornographer who was given a job as a phony journalist so he could lob the president softball questions at press conferences? Worked too, till some bloggers got suspicious and started looking into the guys background. Turns out he owns several gay porn sites dedicated to finding you a military stud to date (HotMilitaryStud.com, MilitaryEscorts.com and MilitaryEscortsM4M.com). The DailyKos became suspicious after it was revealed the Bush administration had payed journalists to promote Dubya's pet programs. Go to www.nydailynews.com/news/gossip/story/279466p-239417c.html.

Also, a tip of the hat to BIGEZBEAR for finding this take on the scandal: http://rigorousintuition.blogspot.com/2005/02/stirring-white-house-honey-pot.html

Due to a malfunctioning keyboard, my hiatus was a bit longer than expected. So here is the week that was (let me just say a lot of comfort food was involved):

Friday night's Jim Valley concert was a great success. Watching Savannah up and dancing and doing all the motions was such fun. But not as much as doing them myself! Bonus #1: got one of my old Paul Revere and the Raiders albums (GREAT AIRPLANE STRIKE OF 1967) autographed. Bonus #2: got to eat at Steak and Shake instead of Applebees (much easier on Bompa's wallet).

Off to Hockeytown Saturday morning. Lunch at my sisters instead of Fishbone's. She made chili from our mom's old recipe, talk about comfort food! Michigan and MSU kissed their sisters (1-1 tie). You know, old hockey saying, playing to a tie is like kissing your sister. It was a great, very exciting, very well played game. Had pizza at Nikki's in Greektown. Absolutely the best pizza in the world! Also ordered the Saganaki ( a flaming cheese appetizer). Shouted OOPA as waitress nearly singed off her eyebrows! This was my daughter-in-law Tara's first trip to Detroit. My brother-in-law Tim had great fun stopping traffic on Beubien St. so he could get pictures of Sean and Tara with the Greektown Casino marque in the background! Apparently they are used to tourists with camera's because nobody got impatient and honked or gave us the "you're #1" sign. Tara also got the grand tour of the Grosse Point's, and was just flabbergasted by the huge mansions.

Sunday morning started with a swim and breakfast by the pool. Long article in Oakland Press about global warming. It seems the earth's glaciers are melting at a much faster rate than previously thought. This is especially true of the South American glaciers. The article went on to discuss the climate ramifications in some detail. Here's a financial tip, if you are under thirty, buy Michigan real estate. It is about to become Florida without the sharks, barracudas and southerners!

Had lunch at the Rocket in Pontiac. Hadn't eaten there since I was in high school (roughly 35 years ago). Hasn't changed a bit. Still the home of the Rocket burger (a 3/4 lb. char-broiled burger on bakery bun). Same greasy, crispy, fried in animal fat french fries. Real milkshakes! In short, heaven!

A quick stop at Tim Horton's for Timtarts (god, I wish we had a Tim Horton's in South Bend) and coffee, then a mad dash home to SB for texas style bbq and Super Bowl, courtesy of #2 son Steven and his gf Sarah. Great food, great game, great party. Plenty of hard cider. There were about 30 people there, all but 2 of us under thirty. EVERYONE agreed, McCARTNEY BEST HALFTIME EVER!

Rest of week a blur. Bush getting called out by own party members on social security lies. Violence on upswing in Iraq. Broken keyboard. Tara's birthday dinner. Puppy's first ride in Semi. THAT WAS THE WEEK THAT WAS!

Yes, I will be on blogging hiatus this weekend. Because HOCKEY WEEKEND is finally here! Our favorite weekend of the year! Michigan vs Michigan State, the Joe filled with 20,000 screaming hockey fans, about 10,000 of whom will be scantily clad coeds (how do they dress like that in February and not freeze their cute, shapely little cheeks off?)! Lunch at Fishbones, dinner at Nikki's (ain't Greektown grand!). Sunday dinner in Pontiac, then mad dash home for the Superbowl! #2 son is taking over the chore of bbqing the brisket this year. Hopefully it will be so good he can take over the chore in future years!

Friday night is full too! My granddaughter Savannah and I are going to see former Raider guitarist Jim Valley at one of his children's concerts. Going out with Savannah automatically means a trip to Applebee's also.

I know you are all gonna be at a loss without the wit and cutting edge commentary for a weekend! But here are some suggestions to help you pass the time.

Watch some OLD favorite movies. My suggestions: Casablanca, Benny and Joon, Green Card, Alice's Restaurant, A Mule For Sister Sarah, or perhaps The Outlaw Josie Wales.

Save America! You can spend your weekend thinking of creative ways to keep the stupid from copulating the country into oblivion! Be creative! Perhaps estrogen laced Budweisser would help?

Sing the long version of American Pie over and over till you know all the words by heart! That oughta take up some time!

Read a good book! I strongly recommend The Daily Show with Jon Stewart presents: AMERICA: a citizen's guide to democracy inaction! Or any Robert B Parker novel!

Finally, I leave you with my baker's dozen favorite songs of all time:
13. EVANGELINA- Hoyt Axton
12. THE DUTCHMAN- Steve Goodman
11. PAPERBACK WRITER- Beatles
10. LOVE AT THE FIVE AND DIME- Nanci Griffith
9. DON QUIXOTE- Gordon Lightfoot
8. TANGLED UP IN BLUE - Bob Dylan
7. MAINSTREET- Bob Seger
6. THE WEIGHT - The Band
5. RUNNING ON EMPTY- Jackson Brown
4. TRUCKIN- Grateful Dead
3. AS TIME GOES BY- Jimmy Durante
2. AMERICAN PIE- Don McLean

AND... MY # 1 ALL-TIME FAVORITE SONG (drumroll please)....

A BETTER PLACE TO BE- Harry Chapin

honorable mention:
CITY OF NEW ORLEANS- Arlo Guthrie
STEAMROLLER- James Taylor
SWEET BABY JAMES- James Taylor
STEPPIN OUT- Paul Revere and the Raiders
BABY BLUE - Badfinger
SAM STONE- John Prine

It occurred to me this morning that the biggest problem America faces today is the fulfillment of a prophesy. One uttered by a college friend of mine some thirty years ago. The catalyst to this sudden flash of clarity was a news article recently published in the Columbus (OH) Dispatch. It seems that some state senator is sponsoring a bill that would place restrictions on what college professors can teach or discuss in a classroom setting. There have also been similar bills sponsored in Indiana (sometimes known as N. Mississippi), and Colorado. According to the bills sponsor, something has to be done to restrict what our kids are being taught, “because everybody knows that 80% of university faculty are card carrying communists or liberals”

Now, as I recall, part of the object of a university education is to expose young people to a broad range of ideas and force them to THINK, to consider ideas on their merits. And really, in this day and age, how many card carrying communists do you know? So, as I wondered how anyone so stupid could hold elective office, the conversation thirty years prior suddenly leapt out of my subconscious and into consciousness. Then I knew EXACTLY how this could have happened!

Somehow, the subject of having children had come up, and my friend Art ventured that he didn’t think he would have any. Now, Art was a great guy, and good with kids, so this really surprised me. He went on to explain it like this:

“By the time our kids grow up, America is gonna be screwed. It used to be that a smart woman would marry a smart man, one who could earn a good living and support her and the large number of children they would have together. Because her husband was clever and made a good living, she could stay home and take care of the kids and train them up properly. Since they could afford adequate health care, more of their brood survived and prospered. This insured that smart people outnumbered the dumb ones.

But now, smart women are going to college for more than their MRS degree. They are developing CAREERS! They may meet a smart guy and get married, but they don’t have the time or energy for large families and careers. So they have one, maybe two kids. Meanwhile, the idiots out here are breeding like flies on a carcass. By the time our children are grown up, America will be fucked. It will be over run by idiots!”

And now, our children are grown, and guess what? THEY ARE SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!

Art had a solution to the problem in mind. He thought that everyone with and IQ of less than 110 should be sterilized before they could pass on dumb genes to future generations. At the time I thought this seemed draconian. Now........

There used to be a saying in Victorian England that sex was the opera of the masses. In America today, NASCAR is the opera of the masses! One would think this would actually help hold down the idiot reproduction rate. But it turns out that NASCAR is the perfect sport for breeding.

Imagine Billy Bob and Bobbi Jean are sittin in the livin room of the single wide, watchin the race from Darlin'ton on the big screen (the 17”er). Bobbi Jean gets up to retrieve beers, when all the sudden Billy Bob shouts “Bobbi, come quick.....wreck! Itsa good un too!” She comes running in to see the carnage. It is exciting as hell! She’s excited, he’s excited. She says “that yeller flag is gonna be out for a while!” He says “yeah, I bet we can knock one off before they go back to green” as he starts to peel off her skin tight Daisy Dukes. “But the diaphram’s in the van!” “Don’t worry, I”ll pull out”. “Promise me”! “I promise!” “I REALLY mean it this time!”

Unfortunately, the green flag comes out quicker than they figured. Robby, Jeff, and Tony head up the straight-away and into the first turn three abreast. No love lost between these rivals. Billy Bob’s eyes are fixed on the screen. “DAMN” he says, then “oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!” Nine months later, another fan of Dale Earnhart III is born!

Like I said, the involuntary sterilization program still seems draconian to me. Perhaps we need to offer incentives for smart people to have more kids. Offer free college educations to children whose parents both have an IQ of 115 or higher. You and your college sweetie both have an IQ over 110? Then you get 4 free weekends a year in the Marriot’s jacuzzi suite, plus all the beer and hard cider you can consume. IQ under 100, we tax your second born, and the tax gets progressively higher with each successive kid.

Adoption of these programs just might save America! But as long as idiots keep screwin'.....WE’RE FUCKED!

The young Dutchman was struggling to find a term to describe why he didn’t think Michael Jackson could get a fair trial. He told the BBC interviewer that he had just returned from 2 years in America, and that Americans were, er, a, um, well...crazy. The reporter pressed him to explain what he meant. As he struggled to explain, it suddenly dawned on me what he was trying to say. Americans sweat the small stuff.

It’s true! Americans are terrible at the seeing the big picture. We fret over the little, relatively insignificant items, while the important stuff totally escapes our view. It effects all aspects of our lives. And while religious conservatives are probably the most guilty of this, almost none of us are immune.

Take our views of morality. We fail miserably when it comes to fighting the evils that truly threaten our culture. Poverty, racism, corruption, misogyny, these are evils, moral failures, that truly threaten our culture. Yet, we ignore these, instead spending tremendous amounts of energy worrying about who our coworkers are sleeping with, or if the guy down the street is a secret flagpole sitter. After all, he has a “friend” who comes by on friday night with a handful of videos and a 12 pack.

It is our preoccupation with minutia that warps our view of ourselves and the world. It is the reason that Bill Clinton’s blow job is still a big deal, while the most corrupt administration in the history of the country gets a free pass. It is this inability to see the big picture that makes the Tycos, Enrons, and Worldcoms of the country possible.

It is our inability see the big picture that skews our foreign policy, that make it difficult for us to relate to different cultures. We see the small failures of a culture, and we focus on them, rather than get a real overview of what a country is about. It makes it easy to be dismissive of cultures and to assume our superiority

Perhaps if we can resist the temptation to dither over the insignificant, we will be able to finally focus on the truly significant. We might amaze ourselves and solve the problems that truly threaten culture. Maybe even make this a bit better place to live. So please, save your energy. DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF.